The "Stop" and "Go" city!

The "Stop" and "Go" city!

Open the pages of the supplement of any English local daily and you will come across city specials devoted to the booming city of Bhubaneswar. Do you believe these fairy tales? Many a new comer will be easily fooled into thinking that the city is truly rocking and is one of the best places to work and play!

The city does not rock, it sucks and is fast turning into an ugly and unregulated urban hell hole !

A visitor driving down from the airport will be pleasantly surprised to find the clean open roads inside the airport area, devoid of traffic or people. Only when he hits the Forest Park square and takes a right turn, he realizes that he hast just driven into yet another Indian city of chaos with disorderly parking, overflowing garbage heaps, encroached footpaths and bold bulls freely wandering on the streets!

Welcome to the city of bulls! Since, Lord Lingaraj is the presiding deity, these animals enjoy special privileges! Massive specimens stare at you nonchalantly at every crossing and main street. You will also find them leisurely sprawled on the arterial roads enjoying an afternoon nap with their over sized testicles proudly displayed to the hapless motorist.

The most hilarious are the traffic cops manning the crossings who use hand signals like kathak dancers! Since the traffic lights usually malfunction, they follow a quaint Mughal era signaling system. Two signal boards with “STOP” and “GO” are displayed alternatively. The problem is in the dark hours when you need a powerful flashlight to decipher the message !

The city’s magnificent skyline which was once dotted by the awe inspiring temples has totally disappeared, since it is completely taken over by ill planned apartment blocks, mobile phone towers and giant hoardings! Bikers and drivers crash into each other as their attention is grabbed by the titillating giant hoardings with blowups of appetizing female models which greet them at every city crossing.

The city has also degenerated into a slum city with every open space full of squatters and shops. In fact, the best way to settle in the city is to become a slum dweller. Politicians will woo you and will be happy to make you a voter and provide you with ration cards, water and electricity connections. NGOs also need slums since they raise money to improve their lot. They have been doing this since the last 3 decades. No slums...... no funds !

Thousands of roadside shops, cabins, vegetable vendors ,food carts block half of the roads and parking lots, leaving hardly any space for the traffic or pedestrians to walk. Don't be mistaken to think that this happens in some far away Jharpada or Sailashree Vihar.

You will find fruit stalls right next to the Queen’s house at Aerodrome Square. Bangladeshi refuges have set up garment shops which block off the police DIG and SP’s official residences. The empty spaces in front of the Secretariat and other government buildings have also turned into bustling markets for vegetables, gamchas, toys, tools, etc. Talk of high security at our state government offices ! Ha! Ha!

When the babus can’t even free their own residences and offices from the encroachment menace, how can we expect them to clean up the rest of the city?

The Paika and the tall Royal minister are always at loggerheads over the eviction issue. While the Royal issues orders to bulldoze the slums, the Paika sabotages these moves, since he is frightened of losing his captive vote bank! And the Queen smiles, enjoying the turf war in the bania party! And everyone knows he is too impotent to clean up the few rickety fruit and pan stalls in front of his own house, forget about the city!

The public transport system is non-existent, forcing people to use personal transport. This leads to a gargantuan parking problem. Deployment of say 200 town buses could solve this problem overnight. The auto rickshaw mafia is another menace which is throttling the city. Not a single auto uses the meter though everyone has one and the brazen transport officers are too busy collecting their monthly hafta.

The real estate mafia has strangulated the city. Illegal multi storeys have been put in every conceivable open plot of land. One 7 storeyed building which has shockingly come up next to the exquisitely carved Mukteswar temple has destroyed the unforgettable view for ever! We should hang our heads in shame! Why doesn’t the BDA raze this apartment block?

Gory carcasses of goat and sheep hang on the roadside in full public view since at least 500 mutton shops operate illegally. The BMC warnings do not bother them since the payoff is a measly 1 kg of mutton delivered to the concerned guy every Sunday!

The bear faced brief less lawyer turned BMC Mayor is too busy licking the Queen’s feet in his daily display of unabashed sycophancy . Where is the time to do his real work? However, must say that the ass is a fast learner since he parrots the Queen’s usual inanities by announcing that he and the BMC are looking into the problem which would be solved within a few days! Somebody should tape his mouth so that he stops bullshitting anymore!

Only the main roads leading from the airport to Infocity, Secretariat and Janpath are kept in good repair. This is done to ensure that the Mittals and Ambanis will at least arrive in one piece to sign their MOUs! The internal roads are a shame even in posh areas like Saheed Nagar which resemble the Iraqi war zone with gigantic potholes and wornout tarmac. Even all powerful Uncle is helpless to get the repair work done !

Yet, the babus claim that the capital is destined to become a Tier II city! My foot! The way things are going down the drain or rather choking (since the drains are blocked), the city fathers can forget their dream. Folks watch out, the once beautiful temple city with truly sylvan surroundings will soon be lost for ever, unless we wake up and kick the city babus into action!

When is the final sacrifice?

When is the final sacrifice ?

Wonder what is the most dreaded event in a babu’s life? His retirement! Ever seen a babu after retirement? Overnight he shrinks and becomes half a man. The miserable soul withers away, abandoned by fawning friends and obedient flunkies. Depression strikes him once he realizes that the adulation and reverence disappears after “superannuation”. I wonder who invented this deceptively harmless term that in effect sentences him to spend his sunset years in utter loneliness.

But not so for “Pyari dear”. This babu who was grand old man’s trusted lackey plays a decisive role in the Queen’s era. No major appointments, deals, promotions are done without his nod. In fact, he has become an institution all by himself and as Anon rightly claimed, closeness to the PIMP (Pyari Institute for Miserable Pigs) ensures a golden path for his chamchas.

Both netas and babus vie for his attention and many a babu has got lucrative postings and protection due to his blessings. The top departmental babus wait for his green signal before signing important files. A group of so called Pyari group MLAs religiously gather at PIMP every day for feet licking, which no doubts boosts the old babu’s flat ego.

The Queen loves this delightful state of affairs! Pyari is the shield behind which the queer peeps! If anything goes wrong, he can always blame Uncle since he is the one who decided.

He is the party’s one man think tank and attends all meets and advises the party members about all political affairs………from handling the opposition to gathering crowds. The grapevine says that slush money from all large govt. purchases are delivered at Saheed Nagar as he is the sole party fund raiser.

This wonderfully clever arrangement ensures that the Queen can truthfully claim that he is clean since he doesn’t touch the loot himself!

Due to his ruthless politicking, he is the most hated man by party men who resent a man who has never fought an election in his life. The netas are livid that an ex-babu controls the party! I agree since, this must be the only state in the country where a babu has become more powerful after retirement!

I was present at a gathering where BJD netas were betting upon the size of the angry mob which would ransack his plush residence, should the party be unseated. And I bet the biggest crowds would be sent in by the dissidents!

For quite a few months, Uncle was cannon fodder on the front page of the leading Oriya daily which went after him hammer and tongs! Then the wise man decided to fight back. He came up with an Oriya daily whose circulation even after 2 years is laughable! The editor is a well known notorious cheat who is on the run after whacking a couple of crores from the ORHDC and fleecing gullible flat buyers in fraudulent real estate deals. Hiding under Uncle’s arms ensures protection for this chor who should have been locked up inside Jharpada long ago. And Uncle always talks about freeing Orissa from corruption!

The hypocrite never loses an opportunity to mouth platitudes to the poor tribals of the state and how his heart cries for them. At the same time, he doesn’t blink twice before ordering district collectors to shoot down unarmed tribals protesting against eviction for steel plants.

Once he said that he would “like to be born as a tribal in his next life!” He forgot to mention ………“and be displaced by the Naveen Patnaik government.” Somebody should tell the devil not to strain his weak pace maker driven heart so much… otherwise it may crack up!

Election means mela time at PIMP. The all powerful Uncle decides the party tickets since the Queen hates to deal with zarda and gutka chewing smelly netas. I have heard credible stories of how aspirants have to lick his cracked foot soles for the party ticket.

And after the party man is elected with a sound mandate, the wily fox sets up the MLA’s main party rival to cut the ground under his feet. He doesn’t want him to last beyond 5 years lest he became too powerful and fail to dance to his tune!

I hope you folks remember his shocking Machiavellan strategy during the last polls. He replaced most elected MLAs with unknown newcomers! To him, every MLA is perfectly dispensable just like a use and throw three rupee disposable syringe!

Almost all the big mining and steel deals used to be finalized by him before the banias met the Queen. However, nowadays big ticket deals are thrashed out at Delhi far away from the prying eyes of local hacks.

When it comes to the crunch, I am sure, the Queen will shame Moses in making the final sacrifice! With his fake smile, he shall not hesitate to throw Uncle to the wolves, if ever he needs to make the ultimate move to fool the 40 million Oriyas!

No Page 3 crowd here !

No page 3 crowd here!

Finally Assembly is over! For the last two weeks, work at all govt. offices had come to a grinding halt with the single excuse that the Assembly is on. Transfers, promotions, work orders, payments, permits, clearances, notifications, etc. everything was on hold!

What ultimately happened after our dear MLAs deliberated, shouted and gesticulated over serious matters of state? Did anything change for the janta? Better roads, clean hospitals or good governance? Unfortunately, nothing changed!

The Queen sat through the entire proceedings with a bored pain-in-the-ass look on his puffed up face. Nowadays, he is able to decipher spoken Oriya and his party men do not have to strain to speak fifty fifty Oriya-English while haranguing. But he has yet to speak or read the local lingo.

It is an enigma which political pundits cannot explain ! I am at a total loss to come up with answers when my friends from other states ask me how he is so popular though he does not even know the language! I guess because he is not one of us !

An MLA was complaining to me bitterly the other day about the deplorable attitude of the imperious babus who are forced to troop to the House when matters related to their departments are discussed. He said that the way they sat with their hands sprawled all over chair and bodies leaned back, it appeared that even the presence of the CM did not evoke any gesture respect! He lamented that they never deigned to greet MLAs or treat them with courtesy.

I laughed at him and told him what a fool he was! Did he not know that our babus are incorrigible and have jumbo jet size egos? When the Queen can’t even go to the loo without their nod, how could he expect them to salaam the 5 year term holder netas?

Nowadays, the party TV channel ensures that a few MLAs do get their two minutes of fame by inviting them to their studio for discussions. These shows get hilarious when you have guaranteed dumb head netas being asked to expound on current political issues.

Green horn anchors expectedly get imbecilic answers when they ask equally stupid questions like: “Why do you think Naveen Pattnaik is popular?” Or, “Are you happy with the flood relief measures?” or gems like “Do you think the tribals are unhappy over Kalinga nagar?”

There is an ex commie fire brand MLA belonging to Napoleon’s political party who loves hurling thundering accusations targeting the Queen! I have seen the Queen’s forced smile wilt under this gentleman’s fiery assault. Similarly, the young Delhi educated MLA from the Congress who never loses an opportunity to fulminate on all sticky issues, is the Queen's bete noire.

It has struck me as quite strange the silence of the ruling party MLAs when the government is under siege. Rarely does anyone stand up in defense. The graprevine has it that they enjoy the rare sight of the Chief squirming under the Opposition's broadsides.

Not a single party MLA has an iota of respect for the Queen after seeing his dreaded Machiavellan moves in his short political career. Who knows if he shall give them the party ticket the next time? None can forget the ruthless political games played by him . The way he has kicked out senior party men, would even put Judas to shame!

We have the jatra owner MLA who excels in melodrama whose best career would have been playing the lead villain in his opera shows. He is undoubtedly a character whom Oriya mothers can invoke to lull their little babies to sleep. With his terrifying bloodshot eyes and unshaven face, he can be easily mistaken for an escaped convict from Jharpada jail! The dimwit just mutters a few dialogues from his jatras whenever asked to react on important issues!

The Queen never trusts him though he is supposed to be the party's goon leader to lead street fights during the elections. Though he is desperate to become a Minister for gathering the loot, the wily Chief is yet to agree.

The obese “Puri Sandha” is a disgrace to the House. With his unbuttoned kurta exposing his forested chest and with the thick smear of vermillion on his glistening forehead, he does look like a Hindu fanatic about to brandish his trishul and shout “Jai Shri Ram!” He has got into trouble many times in the past for forgetting his role as the moderator in the house and acting as a faithful barking dog of the ruling party.

He is also believed to have a hand in the Puri land scam. I am sure the Queen is waiting for the right time to sacrifice him in his inimitable style! How does the Queen who has high sartorial standards tolerate this buffoon? Methinks for a start he should ask him to button up his kurta! At least when the House is in session!

I know the Queen hates the hullabaloo and the theatrics in the House! Poor guy, does he have a choice? I am sure he misses the page 3 crowd at the scotch swigging Delhi 5-star parties where it is infra dig to shout. And where gliterrati talk never goes beyond the latest abstract by Hussain or the latest burning cause espoused by Arundhati Roy!

He hates the uncouth paan chewing netas . But with his remarkably obscene obsession for power, the party animal can forget the glitzy drag dos of Delhi and New York, if he wants to see fawning party men and the cheering crowds!

Relief at last!

Relief at last !

Good news for you folks!

The ubiquitous Bhai has been finally nailed! No, no it is not the D’Bhai whom Bharat sarkar is pursuing! I mean our own B’ Bhai whose cherubic mug used to stare at you from the front page of the oldest Oriya daily, almost every other day!

How the mighty fall! Bhai has been securely ejected out of the venerable institution which he had almost destroyed by his venality. Now he has been assigned a noble task! Relief and charity! You shall now see Bhai wading through muddy slush during the annual floods generously handing out dhotis and saris to the needy. Hope the fat slob gets washed away by the swirling waters of the Mahanadi on one of his relief trips!

If you remember folks, a few weeks back, he was the most sought after chief guest for every gathering. The hosts pushed and shoved each other to stand next to Bhai for that much treasured photograph which would announce to the world that they also knew Bhai! Forget the half educated netas! I have seen highly qualified doctors and professors standing before Bhai hands folded in abject supplication to seek his blessings!

I had the misfortune to listen to a couple of his hoary speeches. Beyond thanking his hosts and praising their efforts for organizing the function, the cretin had little else to expound. What else could he say with his pea sized brains ? Wonder if he can even write a single page of error free Oriya prose!

Phew, what a relief for us! During the last five years, Bhai reigned with an iron or rather steel hand, making the high and mighty dance like puppets. The moment, a politico was made a minister, visiting two places was fait accompli! He had to see Lord Jagannath by choice and Bhai by compulsion to pay his obeisance! His career would be doomed from day one if he failed to salaam him. Who could dare to defy Bhai’s terrifying pack of hacks?

During his golden days, Bhai was surrounded by his unsavoury cronies. The dumb sona wallah cum hotelier turned editor of the free hand out colour weekly, the half literate and unctuous Chancellor, the sleazy real estate tycoon of Cuttack, everyone sung his praises at the daily durbar!

Bhai and his chum, the racketeering Chancellor together zoomed off to Sri Lanka for their much needed fake doctorates so that they could claim that they did their Ph.d in a foreign university!

Bhai’s popularity travelled beyond the shores of Utkala. He wangled an invitation from the Oriya Society of Americas, thinking himself to be some kind of astute ambassador of the state!

During his reign, Bhai ensured that his paper’s editor who is the grand old man’s daughter had to plead to him, even if she wanted the office car to visit Bhubaneswar. He dismembered the entire coterie of trusted baristha sambadikas of the daily who had once upon a time enjoyed unfettered access to the corridors of power. It was pitiable the way he made them grovel like emasculated poodles! Bhai’s awesome moves made everyone pee in their trousers! It was understandable since any day, they could be unceremoniously chucked out.

Bhai’s total take is supposed to be well over 30 crores! Must say the bandit did really prosper, if you remember his past when his first chore in the morning was to wash the Vice President’s car. With his meagre driver’s salary, he could barely manage to save enough to help his impoverished family back home at Mayurbhanj.

Bhai did blaze a terrific path of success, which is shockingly possible only in the land of Kalinga. What else do you expect in a place where mediocrity rules supreme?